Last night we went out drinking.
My buddy and my beau.
They get along wonderfully.
My buddy thinks my beau is awesome.
My beau won't come out unless my buddy is there.

Feeling kind of left out.
Adolescent, I know.

My beau left for the bathroom.
My buddy asks me questions about my life.
Feeling better.
My beau returns.
His foot rests against my leg under the table.
It gently taps my leg
When I look at him.
He winks.
Now I feel completely better.

What started out as a wine journal
Grew into a diary.

What started out as casual
Grew into a relationship.

This weekend he went away,
and so did I.
You'd think going apart is sad.

Before he left he gave me something.
My unconventional guy gave me the key to his apartment.
And asked me to watch his fish.
Fish don't need watching.
They've been by themselves before.
So I looked at the key
As a sign that maybe
he might like me more than he cares to admit.

This is for me to vent.

Every once in awhile
it's important for it to be
just me and the girls.

You learn things from one another.
Some things you should do.
Some things you shouldn't.

But occasionally you learn something
that shocks and horrifies you.

Sex and the City.
Open and Honest.
The topic was blow jobs.
And the girls around me flipped.
"How gross" one of the married ones said.
"Ugh, I can't do that" says another.

What I want to say
would make me an outcast.
But I can't help but wonder
about the looks they'd give me.
So I say,
"But that's the best way to wake him up in the morning."

1-2

First time I've ever seen him drunk.
First time we've ever had a disagreement.
Not all bad.

He looked for me to be emotional.
I looked for him to not care.
He passed my test.
I passed his.

It's nice to know what we are made of.

He actually became sweeter when he was drunk.
I actually became more understanding.
If rum can give you liquid courage.
Then I've worried all this time for nothing.

Today I've thought a lot about relationships.
It's my significant other's 27th birthday.
4 months have gone by.
What do i do?
I have many ideas,
but I'm still guessing
on what he wants from me.

From The Dog's Name:

Affirming…this world delights
in taking someone’s dreams and crushing them, people delight in muck-raking and
tramping on others, I do not need you to be on the side of the world in this, it
is more than capable of destroying what esteem I do
have. I need you to be on my team…if you would rather cheer for the world, then
you shouldn’t be sitting with me on the bleachers.

Reliable…if I cannot rely on you, then what is the
reason we are together. I will call when I say, nothing save death would make me
stand you up (and even this has never been tested). You expect reliability from
me, is there anything wrong with me expecting it in return.

Integrity…if you cannot be 100% honest, then don’t let
the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Yes, we all have pasts, I do not
need to know all the details unless it affects us in the present or possibly
some future…you will be surprised at what I can accept as “past”, but if you lie
to me about one thing I will assume you are lying about everything. I have been
cheated on in the past and while I basically believe we are all honest it still
takes me a very long time to trust completely, but I want to believe I can do
this.

Communication…I believe I can communicate about
anything, this is not an open license to bring everything up, nor is it a
license to just blurt out whatever you want. I accept that this will happen and
words can often become the enemy of resolution; however I do expect you to try
as hard as I am, and accept that I cannot be wrong about everything, and that my
perspective has at least as much validity as yours…somewhere in the middle is
the probably best path.

Importance…while I do not have
to be the centre of your world, if I am not close to it, then what is the point
in us being together. I do expect this to translate into allowing the world to
know we are an us, this will mean some PDA and meeting your friends and family,
I will not accept being kept a secret…I have existed in relationships where on
two hands you couldn’t count the number of people higher up the list than me…I
will not do it again.

Sexual/Sensual…I like sex.
Physical intimacy is very important to me for the two way demonstration of the
commitment and sharing that exists between two people. I can talk openly about
sex, and I believe an adventurous and mutually satisfying sex life is important
to a healthy and long lasting relationship. If your idea of good sex is a Sunday
morning romp in the missionary position, then I am not the guy for you…I have
had relationships where if asked I would say the sex was “ok”, never again.

Fidelity…I can keep my cock in my pants, that means I
expect you to be able to keep your legs closed…and while we are on the subject I
believe kissing (and I’m not talking European greetings) is being
unfaithful.Respecting…I will offer you the same respect you show me. Each time
you don’t respect me, my respect for you diminishes…this is a fluid thing, but
like trust it is easier to lose than regain. I will not sit you on a pedestal I
will however place you as my equal, until you demonstrate or show me otherwise…I
accept that there are things you will be much better at than me and have nothing
to do being male or female, I expect you to accept the same.

While normally I don't like copying and pasting other people's posts (even if I do credit them), this post just hit home more than I could have imagined. Even if there is only one other person that feels this way about relationships, it still gives me hope that I can find it.

The relationship I'm in right now is still new, talking isn't a huge thing between us right now. So communication is down, and importance isn't there yet. I believe the rest to be there, but without communication it makes knowing about the other ones impossible.

Wasting time in the waiting line...

Used, word of the day.
Tossed around like an old rag.
Hot and Cold.
To scared to say what I feel.
Making smoke signals.
He doesn't get my message.

Feeling silly.
Still hoping.
That maybe I wasn't completely wrong.
Future looks grim.
He smiles, but too scared to proceed.
My options are slim.
Do I stay or do I go?

What a rush.
Last night I decided to be independent.
Do not call I said.
He's going to grow tired of me.
Eating dinner with my friends.
Relaxing and sipping wine.
He calls me instead.
Just to say hello.
Before he went to work.

My friend's silently smiled at each other.
Then at me.
I know what they are thinking.
That girl has it bad.
But now they are beginning to think,
maybe he has it bad too.

Females say their number one find in a guy is humor.
"A man that can make me laugh" they say.
Isn't it true the other way around?
Guys like girls that can make them laugh.
He and I have become goofy.
Relaxed and happy.

But a joke repeated
is often somewhat true.
"Do you want to get rid of me?"
Is what I often say,
Until last night,
When he said, "Sometimes, I think you want me too."
How do I tell him that it's the opposite of what I want.
And my biggest fear?

Nothing a box of chocolates can't say

Alone.
Sad.
Call.
No Answer.

He calls back.
Seeing him again was what I needed.
He kisses me.
Don't let the fire die.
Sometimes one a.m. seems early instead of late.

Laughing and talking.
Kissing has already said what we want too.
Curled up on his bed.
Commiserating our days...
over a box of chocolate.

It's the small things that count.
Most don't understand that.
I'm stressed.
I forget to eat.
He buys dinner.
Without me asking.

Why do females receiving flowers say their man is sweeter?

Yesterday.

4 months have passed.
January, February, March, April.
It's May of my affair.
Could this be real?
I've held back.
Scared to believe it's real.
Hurt in the past.
Wishing I wasn't so scared.
He kisses me.
I kiss him.
Words shouldn't matter.
Though, somehow they always do.
Wishing he would say it.
That all he really does is care.

December 14th

I'm nervous.
I find that pressing the numbers down to call him makes me sweat.
He answers relaxed.
Not a care in the world.
I ask him out.
He says yes.
The beginning of something new.