Last night, she said.

Ugh.
Last night M.W., M.M., I.D. and I went out.
M.W. rarely gets tipsy, let alone all out drunk.
Last night she got drunk.
At some point some of M.M.'s friends
decide to poke fun, at her southern accent.
My S.O. is from Chicago.
He has an accent when he says things like "car" or "chicago."

She couldn't handle the teasing,
so directed some of her anger,
by deciding to call,
my S.O.

She ran away with the phone,
when I realized what she was doing.

When she came back.
I heard her conversation
walking to the table,
She says, "Well, I'm going to let you go
because you obviously don't want to talk to me
so here is Q.S.W."

I winced taking it.
I said, "Oh S.O. you shouldn't have picked up the phone."
He says, "Yeah... I'm going to go now, I'm kind of tired."

At least "Bye" was the last word.

I winced hanging up the phone.

I'm not attracted to the conventional handsome man.
You know, those abercombie ads where some guy is posing with his collar popped.

Ya, not me.

I am actually even turned off by that look.

That is until last night, when I met Superman.



I would love him as a pet.
"Superman, would you please open this can for me?"
"Superman would you please stand there and flex?"
"Superman would you please ravage, poke, fondle, frisk, grope, coucher avec moi?"

Yes, Women can fantasize too, its just always different then men.

I'm first a web developer and then a graphic designer.

At my company, if it's a web issue I can fix it, if it's a printing issue, ask someone else.

Today my boss had only printing jobs for me to do.
One print job he wanted a "exciting" title for the header.
When asked what "exciting" meant he really couldnt' say much.

So today, on June 28, 2006, I made my first ever "logo."


I don't think I did too badly. And it was "exciting" enough for my boss.

IrishDrinker and EmotionalFuckWit

Last night, I was feeling kind of off, so I called IrishDrinker to let him know that I wasn't going to go out with him to the comedy show (there is one every Tuesday).

He called back a little while later, and asked me to come out to another bar.
I said no, but then his tone changed and he simply said, "Q.S.W., please come out for an hour."
I.D. doesn't say please, and he doesn't ask nicely. I'm use too, "you are coming out NOW."

It's actually a lovable quality.

So I went.
When I got there I realized why he was so polite and serious, EmotionalFuckWit was there.
EmotionalFuckWit is a girl who I.D. has had an on again, off again, relationship with for well over 2 years. They'll go for 3 months at a time without talking, and then I won't see him for 3 months at a time because they are spending so much time together.

It takes a lot for me to dislike someone. I loathe her.

So apparently it was E.F.W.'s birthday and I.D. got convinced to come out when I cancelled on the comedy show. He was sitting right across from her, and she was cuddly and cutesy with everyone that was even remotely attractive and had a penis.

Did I mention I loathe this type of high school behavior?

When I.D. gets drunk (and this takes awhile) he starts to become ..... How should I put this.... He has a lot of emotional qualities at that point.
I.D. was drunk when I arrived.
I could tell from the "Oh thank god you are here" then the long awkward hug, then the "I love you for doing this."
Yep, he was drunk alright.
We went to the bar to get beer and apparently some guy continuously checked me out while we were waiting.
I.D. asked me if I wanted to be hooked up with him.
I stared at him blankly for 2 minutes before saying, "I.D. you know I have my S.O."
To which he replied:
"Q.S.W. you are one of the most level headed, smart, beautiful women I know. Your type make up 3 % of the woman population (I.D. likes making up satistics when he's drunk). If your S.O. ever treats you badly or you are not as happy as you are now, promise me you'll break it off with him."
I got worried at this point.
I.D. and S.O. have become friends over the last few months. They actually hang out together when I'm at home or elsewhere. So I said to him, "I.D. do you know something I don't?"
I.D. apparently realized he had made me upset because then he spent the next 5 minutes telling me how much he liked my S.O. and how wonderful a guy he was and how etc. etc. Until I finally asked when the marriage date was between the two of them.

I have no idea what really prompted this, or why he chose right then to tell me. I'm sure it had something to do with E.F.W. and how that situation is, but in the back of my head I am worried that it's something more with I.D.
I don't know if I'll ever know for sure.

I was reading through the blogs on the right and I had an interesting thought.
The S.O. and I have never hung out with each other
because we missed each other.

Let me explain.

I asked my S.O. out.
This would have been the FIRST time
I'd ever done something like that.
He was a sweet, charming, wildly charismatic, good looking guy.
And I thought to myself, "What the hell, the worst he can do is say no?"
That was a first for me.
Apparently I don't handle rejection well.
I was shocked when he said he'd like to go out with me.
I refrained from asking "Why!?"
And acted cool about when the date would be.
It was only after the phone call did I get nervous.

Ironic huh?

We started seeing each other.
At first, once a week, then twice a week, then 7 out of 7 days a week (this took a few months).
Every time I went to see him, I said in my head, "If he rejects you now, it's no big deal, this is the first time you've ever asked someone out."
Every time I'd do that.
I'd only call or go over there if I "happened to be on the way home" or "could you do me a favor?" the list goes on and on...
In other words, if I did not have a reason ready for why I was calling or stopping by, I did not do it.
I think I did this because it was always something I could say if he rejected me.
S.O.:"Q.S.W. I dont' think we should see each other."
Q.S.W.: "I understand, I was just stopping by because you have my cd, I'll talk to you later" There was a long list of things I could say if that situation came up.

Reason # 45: (my favorite) "I'm calling because someone has egged your car."

After realizing I subconsciously did this, I started thinking about my S.O. and I realized he did the same thing.

Reason # 29: (his favorite) "Let's go out together, you know you want to be seen with the long lost sixth member of Menudo"

Never is there a time where he says, "Hey I haven't seen you in 48 hours, wanna hang out?" and Never is there a time where I say, "Hey I really missed you while I was gone, let's hang out."

I just thought that was interesting, I've never done that before.

Reason # 100: "How are my fish doing? Still all alive?"

Viva Las Vegas.

My S.O.,
who's idols are
Hunter S. Thompson
Vince Vaughan
and Mike Shank.
Is in Las Vegas.

I'm a patient woman.
I understand that my S.O.
is going to go wild a bit.
(it's Las Vegas for gosh sakes)
So when I talked to him last
(When I laughed so bitterly)
I knew that I wouldn't hear from him
(For at least a week)
I understood
because even though I didn't
argue or act upset,
I still didn't handle the joke well.

Imagine my surprise
When yesterday he called
Casino noise behind him
just to make sure
"his fish were ok"

After having friends like M.W., M.M. and I.D. I can safely say that the rest of my friends weren't "real" friends.

It's so nice to have someone do something for me just out of the goodness of their hearts.

I've done that so often for people, but never have I really had it returned.

So the "test" was a joke.
I didn't get it.
{probably my baggage}

I sent him a nice, professional e-mail back.
Professional dater.
Professional dumper.
If you push the right buttons,
I let go.
It took me awhile to get there,
but here I am.

Professional e-mail.
If A = B, then C will happen,
if A does not equal B then D will happen,
Please S.O. if you feel you need A to = B,
then just let me know,
I'll make C happen.

He doesn't e-mail me back.
He calls.
Acted nervous.
Said it was a joke.
I laughed.
It was a laugh, that said,
"Either way, I can still help you out
if A = B."

S.O. completely reassuring,
that A wouldn't equal B.

At that point,
I realized how well
my baggage tries to protect me
from simply loving another.

What stays in Las Vegas...

My S.O. is currently on his way to Las Vegas.
I am currently in Michigan.
Thursday we spent all evening together.
Just him and I.
Our last night together for a week.

It ended with him giving me directions for taking care of his fish
for a week.
And me apologizing for freaking out about visiting his parents,
And telling him I'd like to sometime.
Maybe that was too good of an ending.
Or maybe too good of an ending for me.
Maybe he feels too commited.
I know I did at one point.

Friday evening, after getting home from the bars.
My S.O. decided to write me an e-mail.
It was a test.
Whether he knew it or not.
At this point he was probably tipsy.
He had been hit on twice by gay men.
And the only girl that talked to him that evening
was a hefty girl.
He probably felt too commited, and unattractive by
females.
I don't know,
I'm speculating.

But the e-mail I received was a test.
And it really saddens me because,
I thought we had ended on a good note.

It interests me how much relationships differ from person to person.
While some move fast, others move slow, but no matter which one you asked,
they’d both tell you that their way was better.
That is until you get to a stage, like where I’m at, and you realize that it’s only good if the other person in the relationship also wants it that way.
If you have one person that wants to move fast and another slow, you’ve got problems.

My relationship with EX, went fairly quickly. By 4 months we had said "I love you" and by a year we had moved in together.
Neither one of us minded.
We both needed the other.

Now I’m in a new relaitonship, it’s going wonderfully, but I’ve already noticed changes from this one compared to the last.
Mind you, these comparisons are only on the surface.
i.e. I am just now getting to the stage where I feel comfortable making dinner for him and finishing up laundry that he’s started at my house.
With EX I was making dinner for him at 3 months and at 4 months our laundry was being done together.

Differences that aren't bad, just different.

I look at M.M. and M.W. they've been married for 4 and a half years. When they got married, they had only been seeing each other for 4 months.
My aunt on the other hand, she got married after 3 years of dating and was divorced at 2 years of marriage.
And still on another hand, my parents were married after 4 and a half years of dating and are still married after 30 years of marriage.

Think about that next time someone tries to give you relationship advice, or tells you that you are doing something wrong in your relationship.
To me, I think you are one of two people that can really decided whether something you are doing is wrong or not.

More info on this button.

Today is HNT, something that is somewhat a holiday in the blog world.

I suddenly realized I had no pictures of myself showing any sort of skin (except maybe arms).
That makes me sad.
I plan to get tipsy tonight and make someone take pictures of me showing just a little.

Next thursday I'll have a proper post.

Last night.
Beau was feeling sick.
Said his neck hurt.
I told him to roll over.
I massaged his neck.
For 15 minutes.
When I was done.
He rolled back over.
And said,
"I lo.... (pause) I owe you."

It was sweet.
I pretended not to hear.
But in the inside
I was smiling ear to ear.

I always feel that I’m unconventional
In a conventional way
I have the brain of a city girl
But a heart of a country one

I can cook, clean, sew, grow things
But that’s not what I want to do in life
They get boring
I want to see museums
Visit 3rd world countries
To know how it feels to free fall
Even for a moment.

I’ve always tried to be on top of world events
To know how things are
So that way when I meet someone
I can ask the right questions
So I can know more.

But strangely my conventional talents
Seemed to have attracted
The very man
I wanted.

He was looking for someone
Who could sew his sweater
Even though he’d rip it again
I was looking for someone
Who knew how wonderful a city was
Even through the dirt

Sometimes it's just the little things.

My.Saturday.Night.

You must read My. Friday. Night. before this one.
I'm sorry, these aren't going to be exciting tales.
I just need to write them down for my own benefit.

I went home with S.O. Friday night.
All the way home.
"Why did you leave me there with that girl?"
- "Because you needed someone for the porn site."
"Not someone like that"
- "I didn't know what kind of girl you needed."
"But why would you just leave me there?"
- "S.O. I've already told you."

I said nothing.

Next morning is Saturday.
I wake up.
I wake him up with:
"S.O., why did you tell me you wouldn't sleep with the girls?"
- "What? (not awake fully)"
(I realize at this point that I'm acting immaturely, but too hurt to stop)
"Why did you tell your friends that you were sleeping with the girls?"
- "Cause thats what we agreed on." (he grins)
"We didn't." (I do not grin)
- "Is this how I going to be woken up today?"
"Yes."
(He thinks a minute, and I'm guessing, realizes I'm serious)
- "Q.S.W., I'm not going to sleep with them, I just said that."
(I think a minute)
"Because they are guys, and most of them single, and most of them talk about screwing around with girls. So by putting yourself in the situation as the screwer, then you feel like one of them?"
- "Yes." (He actually looks sheepish)

I drop it at that point. Not because I want too, but S.O. knows being cheated on is my number one hurt, and I don't want to emphasize that anymore.

The rest of the day was fine.
I went home, showered, relaxed.
Taste of Tippecanoe was that evening.
It is a mimic of Taste of Chicago.
The fireworks were going to be outside my window.
So I invited S.O. to come over.
He did immediately.
It was 8:30 p.m.

Between that point, and this morning at 7 a.m.
He's left my side for 45 minutes.
Not because I asked him to stay.
Just because he did.
I asked if he wanted to go home.
He just said no.

It relieves me to think I didn't walk away.

My. Friday. Night.

TallBoy, ArgentineanMan, M.Squared, RussianLover, S.O. and I went to the bars.
These are all S.O. friends.
RussianLover and M.Squared I sort of knew beforehand because I was once a barista long ago… which is how I met S.O.

Back to the point.
The five of us went to a local bar.
M.S. and S.O. want to start a porn site.
And I’m not joking.

I knew this, because S.O. had told me.
He wanted to know if he could talk to girls.
To ask them about this site.
I’ve been hurt before.
But I agreed.
On one condition.
That he wouldn’t sleep with them.

So M.S. and S.O. told the others about the site.
Which they have a domain name too.
Then S.O. started talking about how
He was going to sleep with only the hot ones.

I said nothing.
Smiled and laughed.
But I was hurt.

Night progresses.
Soon it’s just me, S.O., and A.M. left.
A.M. is drunk.
S.O. is too.
I’m not.

A girl in a red dress comes and sits down at our table.
Uninvited.
Talks to S.O. and ignores A.M. and myself.
Jealous and hurt.

Suddenly I look up and see my brother walk in.
My wonderful adoring wonderful sweet brother.
I tell S.O. I need to get up.
Jokingly he says no.
I say it stronger.
He lets me go.

I follow after my brother who’s headed upstairs.
I didn’t realize A.M. is behind me.

We get to the top.
A.M. asks me why I left.
I tell him that my brother is here.
He’s a smart man.
He sees more than that.
He pushes me further.
“Why would you leave your S.O. alone with a girl?”
He asks.
I tell him the porn site.
He ignores the comment and asks,
“Why not try to fight back against her?”
I sigh.
I say, “I’m tired of fighting, and after
six months, he shouldn’t start this now.”
A.M. stares at me for a minute.
And then he calls it.
“You’re in love”

Last night I called S.O.
He was watching the Sox.
I asked if I could join.
He said yes.

He and I
watching the game.
late at night
both are hungry.

We decided to have our usual
Breakfast at midnight.

His kitchen is a mess.
I told him.
I'll clean, you cook.
He agreed.

Standing there in his kitchen
just the two of us.
with baseball highlights
playing in the background.
What a perfect night.

Normal post

Last night I went out with IrishDrinker, NotGay, BigPervert, and SignificantOther.

We had a good time relaxing over a pitcher and didn't really do much other than that.

SignificantOther decided that Taco Bell sounded good at 12:20, and everyone but NotGay agreed. NotGay went home, and the rest of us headed over there.
That was all I did that evening.

This morning I woke up with a throbbing knee. Upon inspection, I noticed that I had 6 or 7 bruises on my knee.
I have no idea how I got them.

Does anyone else ever wander about their apartment, talking to themselves, and sounding like Bridget Jones in their head?

"If outting goes well with boyfriend, must have on sexy knickers.
Shit, where are all my sexy knickers?
Note to self: Must do laundry sometime this week."

A slow weekend.
I flipped out.
Beau and I are getting serious.
And I'm not ready.
Invited to the parent's house.
And I almost passed out.

Decided to take it easy.
Saturday night of no drinking.

Instead I went to my friend's house.
Who was babysitting.
10:30 at night.
Two 9 year old girls.
And two 23 year old girls.
All playing hide and seek.

Sometimes it's nice to stop
And hide somewhere.
Like you are 9 again.

Last night, he said.
"Oh I forgot to tell you I'm engaged"
I know he's joking.
I play along.
He keeps joking.
He pushes a button by continuing.
I don't say much, until I say.
"If you want me to take you seriously I will"
He looks at me funny.
I say, "In the past, I had a guy who joked,
about having a kid,
5 months later,
I met his daughter,
quite unexpectedly."
His reply.
"Quietly Sipping Wine, why would I ever want to wreck
this good thing I have with you?"

Then he invited me to meet his parents.

When is it too much?

He and I started dating at the end of December.
It's now June.
I think it's safe to say
that we take each other seriously.

My ex called.
I am still friends with him.
We didn't end badly, just grew apart.
He knows this.

I have nothing to hide
I talk to my ex right in front of him.
we say things like,
"How are your parents?"
"How are you?"
"How is your girlfriend/boyfriend?"

I can't help but wonder.
Is it still unfair?
I put myself in his shoes.
He's done similar to me.
Maybe not ex-girls.
But definitely side ones.
As long as he's mentioned me.
I've not had a problem with it.

So, do I go on that?
Or say something to him?

Pancakes at Midnight

Every relationship has it's quirks
Those things that you never do again
if you break up
but you do all the time
when you are together.

Pancakes at midnight is my quirk.
Whether we go out to eat them
or stay in.
Both of us like breakfast at night.
and usually it's pancakes.

Last night it was Sopranos.
After Sopranos we were both hungry.
He started the sausage, and I started the pancakes.
We sat down to eat our feast,
right at the stroke of midnight.

Quietly sipping a cocktail.
Hand on my knee.
I must look good.
Men are willing to walk over to me.
To ask me my name.
With a man standing next to me,
a hand on my knee.

No jealously is shown.
But the hand is now moving slowly.
Up and down my thigh.
I tell the men
that I'm taken.
Hand doesn't stop moving.
Suddenly 2:30 am seems late to him.
When 6 am seemed late last night.
We go home.
I've never been kissed so much in my life.

The Kiss

My beau and I.

While we are both affectionate.
We hardly ever kiss.
It's interesting, to me
because before I was big on kissing
I wanted my significant other to kiss
me often, and now that it comes only
once in awhile
I find.
I enjoy it more.

I think it goes with "I love you"
The more you do it,
the more the meaning is lost.

Long Sentences Needed.

The night my buddy and beau became drunk together, I passed out.
At 5 am, I woke up to find my beau lying next to me still awake.
After finding out he had drank so much he felt ill, I immediately asked where my buddy was.
"Drove home," he said.
I was panicky at 5 am.

At 7 am I woke up, I looked at my beau and he looked like death.
When I tried to move him he was a dead weight.

Concerned about both of them, I still had to go to work.

At 1:30 pm, neither of them had answered their phone.
At 1:45 I left work and started walking to my beau's house.
My buddy called on the way, and I yelled at him for driving home drunk.
He apologized and told me he loved me.
Felt a little better.
When I got to my beau's house, I woke him.
I gave him 20 question on his health.
He asked one question, "Did you leave work just to come here to check on me?"

I said yes, and he stared at me a moment before saying, "Thank you for caring so much."

I think he realized then that I really did care about him.
I think I realized then that I cared more than I admitted too.