I'm very excited.
Today I had my first meeting with what looks to be my very first freelance job.
The guy liked a lot of my stuff and had only minor suggestions on what he thought would look better.
I think freelance is one of those things where if you walk in acting like you know what you're doing, people will just believe you and like what you put in front of them.
When you're scared shitless, its very hard to put on a professional I-don't-care-if-you-don't-like-my-work-because-I-don't-need-you attitude.
I guess I pulled that off though, because by the end of the meeting he was talking about putting a couple of my designs on t-shirts, coffee cups, and business cards.

My life has done a complete make-over lately.
I think my next name will be "Casually Knocking-back Coctails"

The Drama Queen.

I'm not all about being dramatic.
I'll admit, there are times when I get carried away and my melodramatic side shines through, but for the most part, I try to stay away from DRAMA.

I broke up with SO a week ago.
We had been seeing each other for 8 months before I did that.
GH had briefly seen a girl in the month of May.
It ended when she made out with a different guy at my brother's party this June.

Who are we having problems with right now?
Not SO.
I haven't seen or heard from him.
But every day we've heard from, let's call her, Debbie Downer.

DD does not get the hint very easily.
A month ago I basically started dating GH.
It didn't turn physical until a week ago, but emotionally I was already his.
About two weeks ago, DD decided that she would dated GH again.
No rhyme or reason behind it.
Just woke up one day and thought, "I remember that guy back in May, I bet he'd be fun to date right now."
So then the calling started.
Two, Three times a day, with at least two messages on why he hadn't called her back.
He would call her back, and tell her he was busy or that he was tired.
She wouldn't be silenced though.
Text messages at 3 am asking what he was up too.
E-mails at 4 am yelling at him for not answering her.
Phone calls at 8 am apologizing for the 3 and 4 am behaviors.

It was never ending, that is, until he and I went public.
News spread like wild fire.
Apparently I'm wanted by many men in our co-ed fraternity.
The fact that I was dating one was hot stuff.
She found out.
Ooooooh the drama came in waves.
If I had copies of her e-mails I'd post them for you.
The manipulative, immature behavior that came from this pathetic creature was amazing.
She demanded that he apologize to her.
That he come visit her and apologize face to face.
That breaking it off with me would be the best thing since he had promised her first that they would date.
GuitarHero is a nice guy, he bends over backwards for even his enemies.
Its a part of why I'm dating him.
I love nice guys.
But he reached his breaking point with her on that one e-mail where it said to break it off with me.
I've never seen him angry, and I've known him for 8 months.
Debbie Downer finally shut the fuck up today.

100 post, turning points everywhere

So when something tramatic or dramatic happens to me, I usually keep quiet about it and don't tell anyone until I feel like I'm handling the situation well.
I think it's some kind of protective measure I do without realizing it.

So I.D., S.Y., M.M., and M.W. have all been in the dark about my life for the last 3 weeks.
M.M. and M.W. have been quite upset thinking something very serious was happening with me (which in a way they were right).

Yesterday:

Coffee with M.W.:

Me: (to starbucks lady) Can I have a tall dark roast?
(turns to MW) I broke up with SO for another man.
Starbucks Lady: Anything else?
Me: No thanks but I think she wants something, (turns to MW and realize her mouth is wide open) MW? Coffee?
MW: (to starbucks lady very suddenly) COFFEE!
Me: You ok MW?
MW: QSW! You should have made this coffee break at least two hours if you are going to drop information like that in my lap. I need time to recover so I can be productive!

Drinks with I.D.:
I.D.: So you just walked away? Like... You didn't fight at all?
Me: No, I swear, he even asked if we should fight or something and I just laughed, hugged him goodbye and left.
I.D.: Shit woman.... I'm proud of you.

Discussion with brother:
Brother: Wait.. What?
Me: I broke up with S.O.
Brother: Shit we need to plan things better, we are going to give our mother a drama overload.
Me: What?
Brother: I just broke up with my girlfriend too.

To my fellow bloggers:
I have not been completely honest with you.
I have not been completely honest with even my friends.
Please give me a chance to explain.

3 weeks ago (almost 4 now) I went to a party with my brother and all our mutual friends. I remained very close to my brother even after we moved out of our parent’s house. They sometimes call us the “so and so twins,” (“so and so” being our last name). There I met a man, whom I talked to from 10 in the evening to almost 4:30 in the morning. The party raged on, and we sat alone, outside, talking. Most of our friends thought we left around 10:30 and only one or two realized we sat outside.
While alcohol intake was what broke the ice initially, by 4:30 both of us were very sober.

I left and went home around 4:30 and I thought about him throughout the next day.
I did nothing.

I saw S.O. the next day.
Hung out with him all day, and I remember him saying things like, “Wow, you are really clingy today,” and “did you take crazy pills?”
I remember feeling like a kitten on valium.
I did nothing.

I spent the remainder of that week as far away as possible from my brother, our mutual friends, and him.
With the next weekend approaching, a lot of my friends were leaving the University for good. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were all nights I went out with those who were leaving. He and my brother went to all those nights also. It is pointless to say that because of those nights, he and I grew closer.
In the game of chess, Check.
I did nothing.

In the middle of the following week, I went out for a pitcher with I.D.
Just I.D. and I.
I told him what was going on with S.O. because he asked.
He could see through me and told me I wasn’t happy with him.
I chose not to believe him.
I went over to S.O.’s house that night.
I did nothing.

The next weekend was quickly approaching.
I decided I would spend it with S.O. repairing what I had somehow lost over the last few weeks.
He decided he wanted to hang out with his buddies all weekend.
I saw him only at night.
I did nothing.

The Tuesday of baseball and porno, provided me with the first really good time with S.O. in ages.
I decided right then and there that the past 2 and half weeks were just my imagination running away with me.
I woke up that morning and wanted to shout because I knew in my heart that I was right.
I sent the e-mail.
I had the weekend to think about it.
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, I slept without S.O.
I thought a lot about him.
I realized at some point I was in a rut with him.
“Still, there’s that e-mail, “ I said to myself.
Saturday and Sunday I hung out with mutual friends.
Checkmate.
I did nothing.

Monday rolled around.
S.O. called me.
Told me to come over.
When I saw him, he acted like nothing had happened.
He ignored the e-mail after he read it.
I sat in his apartment for 1 hour thinking.
We were watching baseball.
I sat away from him.
Not normal for me, and he kept asking what was wrong.
I told him I thought we should break up.
A look of shocked crossed his face.
After realizing I was serious, he said, “I’ll really miss you, you were one of the best girlfriends I’ve had, will you promise not to make out at the bars in front of me?”
But he accepted it quite readily
I knew this is how it would be.

3 hours after I left home, I returned home.
I lay in my bed, and tears streamed down my face.
I did nothing but cry.
After a bit, I calmed down.
I sat up.
I breathed and realized I would be alright.
I worked the rest of the evening.

The next day when I awoke I wasn’t upset like I thought I’d be.
I was sort of relieved.
I had to retell the story countless times.
It wasn’t hard for me.
I realized I.D. was right.
That night I did nothing, but talk to him on the phone.

No day but today.

In a move that surprised not only my boyfriend, but surprised me, I dumped him.
I wanted more.
He wasn't upset about the e-mail, in fact, he acted like nothing was wrong between us.
But I knew that he'd never move more forward than at the stage he was at right then.
He told me so, once upon a time.

I realized that even though the story started with "once upon a time" it wasn't going to end with "happily ever after."

I want a "happily ever after" in my life.

So everyone I know except M.M. and M.W. is moving right now.
I'm even moving.
Today (ut oh).
So yesterday i was helping friends move (one good turn deserves another), and we decided to mix alcohol with heavy lifting.
Not the brightest idea.

When the recliner came down on my toe and broke it, I was only in mild pain.
It wasn't until 2 hours later and many trips back and forth from car to apartment that I started realizing it was hurting.
Alcohol is a very effective pain killer.

I feel like Indy at this point.

"I love you."
Three words almost impossible to say sometimes.
Even when you really mean them.

So much is attached to them.
When there shouldn't be.

In May I realized that I had feelings of love for S.O.
I knew he had strong feelings for me, but how much, I had no idea.
He told me from day one that he was not one to show emotion and
he was not one to get into "serious" relationships.

I have no idea what that means.

Today I grew to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.
This morning when I got up, I took a shower in S.O.'s apartment.
As I was leaving I kissed him on the forehead.

I walked to work.
Sat down at my desk.
And typed up an e-mail to him.

I told him that I knew he wasn't one for emotion.
and that he didn't want a "serious" relationship.
I told him I didn't know what that meant, but I thought it meant that he didn't want anyone in love with him.
I told him I had fallen for him. (I did NOT say I love you)
I told him that if he was really offended by this, that we could end it.
I told him I was prepared for the worse.
I told him that if he wanted too, he could wait until Monday to deal with me.
I signed it with the first inital of my first name.

I don't even care if this is not how it works.
Sometimes you have to make your own rules to be happy.
And I wasn't going to be happy unless I said something.

Porno and Baseball

So S.O. has been living with a guy who has the maturity level of a 14 year old and is in the apartment ALL THE TIME.
He is in S.O.'s only bedroom.
S.O. and I have the futon in the living room.
I don't think you can imagine how horrible our sex life is right now.
If this is how it's going to be when you have kids, then count me out for at least another 7 years.

So last night, S.O.'s plans were to go to a dinner with his co-workers and then out to the bars.
Kind of disappointing to me, even though I didn't show it, because it was his last night here before heading to Chicago for a week.
I came over to his apartment at 5 and I told him that as long as I could spend time with him from 5 to 7 then I wouldn't bother him while he was out with his buddies at the bar (his original suggestion was that I come along when everyone headed to the bars).

He said ok.
Then after awhile he asked if I was hungry.
I thought that odd, and I said, "Yes, I'm planning on getting something as soon as you leave for your dinner."
He decided then to take me out to dinner and call his co-workers to let them know he wasn't going out with them.
Very sweet of him.
After dinner, (we ate earlier than everyone, so his 14 year old roommate/co-worker hadn't even left yet for the dinner) I told him that he should still go with this co-workers to dinner even if he didn't eat. He kind of shrugged his shoulders.
His roommate started to get ready to leave and asked if S.O. was coming with.
S.O. said no, that he was too full to move.

The roommate left.

As the door closed it suddenly dawned on me that it was just S.O. and me and no one else.
NO ONE ELSE.
Animal lust and basic instinct kicked in.

After the first rush of lust finally past us and we were lying naked on his futon he suddenly remembered the baseball game was on.
I love baseball, so I got up to put it on.
He walked to his computer and put on porn.

Baseball and porn.
It was heavenly.
For the next hour and a half it was teasing, watching home runs, sex, and oral pleasure.
Towards the end of the second hour, I was getting tired and cold (his air conditioning was freezing) so I put on my clothes.
S.O. laughed at me, put on his pants and then asked how long the clothes were going to stay on.
At that comment, I pulled his pants off again, and started a blow job.
I did not finish it.
Roommate home.
A mad dash for the rest of the clothes was all we could get done.
Condoms wrappers on the coffee table.
Porn still on the computer.

Roommate walks in and mentions the porn and baseball playing side by side.
S.O. and I just grin.
S.O. whispers, "one more week with a roommate."
I sigh.
Porno ends. Condoms are discretely picked up and thrown away.
Baseball game still on at least.

Then the roommate gets up, walks to the computer, and starts playing porn again.
He points and giggles.
S.O. says, "I swear only one more week."

The roommate turns to us and says, "Have you guys ever done a threesome?"

Creepy.

Last night I sat out at a bar with three people I had no desire to see.
Not surprising, when I got home and found I couldn't fall asleep right away.
3:30 am was the last time I looked at the clock.
This morning I had to be at work at 8 am.

Today I dealt with the incoming freshman.
You have NO IDEA how awesomely-fucking-cool 18 year olds fresh-out-of-high-school are.
Believe you me, I had no idea.

S.O. is behaving like a donkey's ass.
Saturday when I left him he was sweet and charming.
He went to Indy to visit his best friend.
Came back like a donkey's asshole and has been that way ever since.

I poured myself a cup of coffee that had been sitting in the pot since 8:30 am.
I walked to the microwave, heated it, and sat down with it.
My co-worker looked at me and said, "The need for caffeine is strong with this one."

I didn't even have the energy to say "shut up."

Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.
Love Revealed.

I've been horrible, but I should start at the beginning.

S.O. and I are both flirts.
When I dated EX, he use to make me feel very guilty for flirting with anyone (could have been a cop to get out of speeding ticket, yet I'd still be made to feel guilty).
When I first started dating S.O. I didn't flirt at all with anyone, until one day I realized he was doing it right in front of me.
I felt better after that, a little part of me was allowed to grow back.
Some of you might sound shocked, but flirting is a big part of anyone.
Everyone does it, and it's not healthy to kill it (I believe anyway).

That night I went from sitting and chit-chatting, back to a flirt.
S.O. noticed, and asked if it bothered me that he flirted (he thought I was being passive aggressive).
I said very seriously, "S.O., If you keep your cock in your pants and your tongue in your mouth, I honestly don't care who you flirt with."
He said the same thing (uh, only female parts and tongue), and I've heard him say to his friends (when they talk about their girlfriends), "Q.S.W. understands, she allows me to chase, as long as I don't do anything stupid."

I'll grant you that sometimes I feel I'm treading in murky waters, but I think that's a part of any relationship, trusting that your significant other has put you in safe waters and not dangerous ones.

Now my story.

I went out this weekend with my friends because it was one of my friend's last night here. I got a little tipsier than usual. I was an obnoxious flirt, I'd flirt with girls, guys, trees, I didn't care.

At one point, my brother's good friend shows up.
Sober.
I KNOW at the back of my head that he likes me.
With some men, it's obvious.
If you are with someone,
stay away from those.

I start to flirt with him.
Let me just say, this guy is a really nice guy.
Not only that, he's sweet too.
And on top of all that, if I wasn't seeing S.O.
I might try to go for him.
And on top of all that, he has the same first name as S.O.
I start out my evening of flirting with him by saying,
"Is it cheating, if both of them have the same first name?" (I told you I was obnoxious)
Everyone laughs and everyone knows I'm seeing S.O. they've met him.
I am NOT leading on anyone.

Let the flirting begin.
It's like the game of chess.
The key is not to let it get to check or checkmate if you are seeing someone.
I try not to let it get to my side of the board.
Brother'sFriend cheated.
Every time I had my back turned flirting with a tree or bush (hey, I'm an equal opportunity flirter), he took a piece of mine away.
Until he said "check"
Not Fair.
I turned and left the game.
I showed up an hour earlier than intended to S.O.'s apartment.
He didn't ask any questions.
Until the text messaging started.
5 fucking text messages.
Brother'sFriend wanted to still play the game, and I tried like mad to shut it down.
I feel bad, I think he really likes me.

Thankfully, all S.O. said was, "another stalker of yours?"
I said yes, and told him it was a friend of my brother's and then curled up with him and passed out.

I still feel bad though, that one got out of hand.

Picture, if you will, its subtle contours, its perfecct balance.
Imagine, for a moment, those exquisite golden cookies.
Now, especially consider that layer of deep, luxuriously rich, dark chocolate...
OK, now totally double that last part.

When you describe chocolate cookies like that, its no wonder why they get eaten.. I feel like giving them my first born.

Ten points for the person who knows what cookie that is.

I am not a woman known for her dramatic behavior.
More than one person has said how easy going and relaxed I am in an upsetting situation.
So last week, when I did freak out, I wondered how S.O. would react.
I couldn't have been more pleasantly surprised, he was prince charming underneath that rough exterior of his.
He would rub my shoulders, stroke my hair, and cuddle with me for hours.
He's done all those things in the past for me, but never so much at once, and never so often.
When my upsetting situation ended, I was so happy I went over to his apartment and cleaned it ENTIRELY, cooked him food, and did his laundry.

I've done all those things in the past for him, but never so much at once.

I think he knew it was a big thank you to him.

Oh THANK YOU GOD!

Oh, No by Shivaree

Oh, No

I think I love you
I think I love you
I think I love you
Oh no

I think I want you
I think I want you
I think I want you
Oh no

I think I'll wreck you
I think I'll wreck you
I think I'll break you in two
Oh no

I think I'll eat you
I think I'll eat you
I think I'll eat you alive
Oh no.

Listen here.

A very personal post, sorry if I offend

I'm in some sort of a game.
Some kind of man game.
I didn't know men played games, but apparently they do.
I.D. and S.Y. are both acting odd.
I.D. is acting odd, like he's very disappointed in me.
S.Y. cannot fathom why I haven't left S.O. and run after him.

I tell S.O. all this, and he just laughs and kisses me.
I like him.
The most honest I have ever been has been with him.
I always have the feeling that he sees through anything I would try to hide (even small things), so I just don't bother. Honesty is my policy.

---

I had a small fight with S.O. on Friday. Wait, let me back up, I had a small fight, he didn't know we were fighting. I think that is usually how it works.

Yesterday, I was looking at the calendar, and I thought, "My gosh, I haven't seen S.O. since the morning of the 5th."
As I was staring, I was trying to think why "5th" was ringing some kind of bell in my head.
Then it hit me, that was the day my period was suppose to start.
I looked at today's date (which was yesterday), it's the 8th.
3 days late.
My body is like clockwork, for the last year my period has happened on either the 3rd, 4th, or 5th.
Panic strikes.

For the next hour, I stared at my computer.
I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything.
Just stared.

Finally at 11:30 I text messaged S.O., "Hey, if you have any free time tonight, I'd really like a moment with you."
That was as calm as I could sound.

I waited.

At 12:45 I get a call. It's him, and he sounds half awake.
"What's up?" he asks, almost if he's annoyed with me.
This is the first conversation I'm having with him in 3 days and he sounds annoyed, more panic.
"Hey, I'd like to talk to you if you have the chance this evening." I said.
"Why can't we just talk now?" he counters.
"I think it would be best if we spoke in person, I'm at work right now." I said hoping he'd get the hint.
He mutters something inaudible and then says, "Fine. I'll make the time." And hops off the phone.

By this point I feel very, very alone.

I walk up to my boss and say, "I have to run to my car."
I leave.
I walk directly to his house.
He opens the door, looks surprised and lets me in.
He's still acting mad, and I'm almost to the point of shaking.

He finishes getting dressed, and then plops down beside me.
"What's up?" he asks again.
I spill everything.
A few moments later, he starts laughing.
Laughing like a God damned hyena.
I seriously have beads of sweat on my forehead from the panicky cold sweat i was in telling him this.
"WHAT is so FUNNY?" I almost shout.
He told me that he's never seen a girl so worked up over a three day late period.

I do not want a baby.

I told him it wasn't a laughing matter.
He asked if I remembered the last month.
He was gone, then back for a few days, then gone, then he got a roommate, then he was gone, whole month he was stressed, I was stressed because I lived in a state of moving, drama, and worried that S.O. hated me.
"So?" I said.
"Talk to me in two weeks if you still haven't gotten it. Then I'll worry. I have been in a constant state of E.D. because of the amount of stress I'm under (it's true, he gets hard but rarely gets off). I wanted to avoid you right now because I thought you were going to get mad at me because I haven't been around in 3 days, and you just wanted to spaz out on me." He laughed.

At this point I kind of felt stupid. And I think that feeling was written all over my face, because he pulled me next to him and wrapped his arms around me and said, "Oh, myname."

Then he asked if he could cook dinner for me that evening.

The Nazi: Part Zwei

---

As if he could not get any worse.... he did.

I mentioned before that The Nazi had a class with me.
Well after the break up, for a week and a half, he wouldn't acknowledge me at all.
For this I was thankful. I'd rather have a person mad at me, then a scene made in physics.
I.D. and S.Y. took this class with me.
They knew what happened. And they found the Nazi skulking in the corner of the room, completely and utterly hilarious.
As long as they didn't directly teased at him, I didn't care.

I also mentioned before that my brother had met him. That comes later in the story.

---

So a peaceful week and a half went by.
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday were the days I had the physics class.
Wednesday of the second week I was leaving with I.D. and S.Y. when he approached me and asked to talk to me.
S.Y. and I.D. didn't leave my side, which I'd like to think was to give me moral support, but in all honesty they were probably hoping for a show.
I asked what was going on, and he told me he had gotten something for me while he was gone for the weekend. "Oh really?" I said while glancing nervously at I.D.
He handed me a rather heavy bag and told me not to open it until he left.
With that, he turned around and left.

I had taken the bag from him with two fingers hooking through the loops of a stapled shut "White Barn Candle" bag.
After he turned and left, I had not moved one finger in any direction. I stood motionless, staring wide-eyed at S.Y. and I.D.
They in turn were staring wide-eyed at the bag I was holding out in front of me with two fingers.
"Take it outside," was all that I.D. said.

---

The three of us made it outside and carefully set down the bag.
"We are probably being ridiculous," I stated.
"Oh, so you trust this Nazi now?" said I.D.

What was in the bag, which S.Y. finally had to open, was a White Barn candle and candle lamp.
An extremely odd gift to give you ex-girlfriend.
I decided to take the rest of the day off with S.Y. and I.D.

---

Around 8 that night, I had had about 4 beers and 2 slices of pizza, and I was so sleepy that in the middle of S.Y.'s living room, I passed out completely.
Hey, I was a sophomore in college.

I awoke some time later, to uproarious laughter in the next room over.
"Probably watching some kind of twisted porn," I thought to myself, and crawled up to the couch to pass out again. Both boys came running out of the room and to the window, shutting off all the lights to the apartment. As they ran past me, both of them slapped me on the head and said quietly, "Wake the fuck up!"

Groggy and half-asleep, I was told that Ron had called them in hopes of finding me. I had turned off my cell phone and I wasn't answering my cell phone and he had gotten worried about me.
"So?" I said, thinking this was probably the least psychotic thing he had done.
I.D. and S.Y. turned, looked at each other and then said, "Well, we decided to fuck with him."

---

Apparently, they had informed Ron over the course of 15 minutes that not only was I passed out after being D.P.ed by the two of them, but I was only willing to perform such an act because they had given me drugs by putting them in my drink. After grabbing the first thing near me, which happened to be a spatula, and beating them both with it, I asked why they had shut off all the lights.
Apparently Ron had found S.Y.'s phone and address using the internet and was on his way over to rescue me.
Being that that was the best cue in the world, lights flashed momentarily in the apartment, and there was a crunch of gravel outside the door.
"Fuck, he has a flash light," I.D. said.
I closed my eyes and whispered, "I.D., cops have flash lights."
Having that as the second best cue, there was suddenly a VERY loud rap at the door.
I.D. looked to me, and then S.Y. and shrugged his shoulders.
A rap again.

---

Slapping both S.Y. and I.D. and pointing to the back of the apartment, I made my way to the door turning on lights as I went.
A cop was standing the doorway, he looked like he could have easily clobbered all three of us, and made it look accidental. Ron was standing a few feet away, almost in the bushes. It looked as if he had been hiding there.
"It's been reported to us that there has been suspicious activity around here, and there was a woman screaming." the cop said.
I started laughing and asked if it was the guy behind him that reported it.
He didn't know who had reported it.
I explained to him that Ron was the guy ex-boyfriend, who was jealous that I was at my new boyfriend's house. I offered to the cop to come inside if he needed too so he could search to make sure there was no suspicious activity.
I took a very big gamble on that one. I was twenty, so was S.Y. and I.D., and we had a lot of beer in that apartment.
He said no, looked at Ron, asked him why he was standing there, and then the two of them left in opposite directions.
S.Y. and I.D. will still not let me live down Ron the Nazi.

Rory: say something to make me hate you Lorelai: uh, go hitler

So I was reading Lady Miss Marquise's blog when I came across a post of her's about Darren Sherman and the J-Date Ordeal. Which in turn, made me want to post about my worst date, or should I say, the worst guy I've dated.

The worst guy I've dated: The Nazi

---

I met this man while taking a physics class. I did well in this class, but at first glance I was nervous about taking it. He was easy going and willing to help out when I had questions. He asked me out on a date. I said yes.

It was a very expensive first date. Sitting across from him I could read in his manners and actions that he was not use to dating and he (even though he wouldn't admit it) probably thought I was out of his league (I know that sounds egotistical, wait for it).

So I agreed to a second date. I had dated some assholes in the past, and he seemed like nothing near it. He was polite, nicely mannered, asked me questions, etc. The second date went well also. Since we were in class together, I started seeing him in hallways and whatnot, and familiarity came quickly.

Around the 5th date, he decided it was time I should meet his friends. So he proposed that we stop by their house first and then head to dinner. I agreed, and I thought to myself, "Wow, this guy is just not afraid of commitment."

---

I arrived at his friends house and the three of them were somewhat eagerly waiting. After shaking each of their hands, it was obvious that the men had talked amongst themselves and apparently I was talked up quite a bit. I said a few sarcastic comments, and tried to be natural. They instantly came relaxed around me, and then one of them said, "Wow, Ron, this one is a lot smarter than the last one."
That comment spawned an uproar of laughter resulting in "Tales of Molly."
Molly was Ron's ex-girlfriend, she was so smitten with him that she use to do things for everyone (all friends included) like take out their trash, clean their rooms...
I was appauled, they thought everything was hilarious.
Being that girl before, and then rising above it later, I had some sort of protective mothering rage that came from somewhere deep inside me. They laughed, I smiled, I plotted revenge for Molly. Why?... I don't know, I couldn't explain it.

---

I dated The Nazi for two months. He was not that great of a companion. After that night, not only was I completely turned off by him, but I also started noticing a lot of things I hated about him. For instance, he said the word "scar" more than any other human I've met.

Everything "Scarred" him. Homeless "scarred" him, wasted college students "scarred" him, even my brother "scarred" him (he said that we looked so similar it was "scarring" for him). Also, he walked around all day telling everyone that he was "An Elitest." What this meant, I have no idea, because every time I asked, he didn't have an answer.

I didn't care about those things and I didn't care about him. What I did care about was yanking his puppet strings every chance I got. I was "THEE" girlfriend that no guy ever wants.
"Honey, I know you wanted to go out tonight with your guy friends, but my stomach hurts, will you stay home with me?" and so on and so on. I didn't like being that girl, but I hated him. It was a weird 7 weeks for me. In the end, he got me back.

---

At the beginning of the 8th week I decided enough was enough. I had manipulated him enough, and he was getting boring. I wanted to move on. So Monday night, I decided to go over to his apartment and tell him as nicely as possible that it was time to move on.
I knocked.
He opened the door.
I did come unannounced, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was staring at.
He was dressed in a full Nazi uniform, complete with arm bands and hat.
He even had shoes that were shiny black and had little 3rd Reich eagles on them.

Mouth open, I stammered, "What on earth?!"
Looking slightly embarrassed, he looked down at himself and said, "Oh, this? I really like the way it makes me feel."

Now, I had noticed he had a facination with with World War II airplanes. There were two or three of them in little glass boxes around his apartment (another thing I hated about him), but Nazism was far from my mind.

"Feel?" was all I could muster. He explained it to me, (almost as if he were talking to a small child) that Nazi ideals weren't something to hate. The Nazi party wasn't the bad thing about World War II, Hitler was the bad thing. That I shouldn't blame those poor Germans, only Hitler.

By this point, I was so seriously-creeped-the-fuck-out, that I just nodded, and said I had to get home.

The next day he showed up at my apartment, unannounced.

---

As he walked into my apartment, I decided right then and there, that he had to go.
So I told him that he had to get out of my life before he said, "How was your day?"
He looked absolutely shocked.
Then, he broke down into big sobbing tears and screamed, "NO! YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME, I LOVE YOU!"
While normally my heart would have broke at these words, this time around, I was more or less completely terrified. I thought the man didn't have a soul, let alone, one that could love another. He use to introduce me as his "trophy girlfriend."
My neighbors started knocking about 3 minutes after the sobbing started.

---

To appease my neighbors and to make him stop, I told him that we wouldn't break up that day. That seemed to calm him enough that he felt like going home.
Probably to play with toy airplanes in his Nazi uniform.

The next day, I walked home from class, by way of his apartment, and broke it off with him. As the tears welled again, I left.
It may have been heartless, but I was too "scarred" to do otherwise.

It took him another 2 months before he was over me... but that, is a story for tomorrow.

I know of this girl.
I've met her once, but I never became friends with her
She dated my EX before I did.
She hates me slightly because I dated him after her.
I don't really hate her, she has to be one of the most interesting people I've seen.
She and EX broke up because she did crazy things like, throw lamps at his head. (see, isn't that interesting?)
Then she would write about it in her blog.

I found her blog by accident one day.
We ironically have a lot of mutual friends that have no idea we dislike each other.
I read her blog.
I was mentioned several times, and not all of the things said were bad.
It seems she found me interesting too.
Have you seen the show, "Why can't I be you?"
Well, I feel she looks at me and says that, and I look at her and say that.

Here is a part of her blog:

One said to the other, "It’s like that girl in green that just looked at you down the bar...with the cherry in her drink...she’s like a drug." I had no idea what they were talking about but I perfectly executed seeming-too-interested-in-baseball to notice they were talking about me. I debated turning and smiling, but the truth was I glanced past them to see who came in, not at them. So that was a goal accomplished--I’ve always wanted to have the guts to be the mysterious single girl at the bar, perfectly content drinking alone.

What amazes me, is she did drink alone that night. I was actually in the same bar as her and I had no idea. She was just perfectly happy to sit alone and drink. I wish I could do that. I feel overly dependent on human contact right now. She actually drove to a concert first, and sat alone, watching people (one thing she and I both are, people watchers, for that matter EX was too) and then she drove to the bar and had a few cocktails alone and then drove an hour home.

Why can't I do that?

I visited the EX's blog today.
Something I havent' done in months and months.
Two years ago, if I had done this, I would have had a bad day afterwards.
Two years ago, if I had fought with my boyfriend and then looked at pictures of my ex's new girlfriend, I would have been depressed for two days.

Flash Forward.
Two years later I was actually "aw"ing the pictures of the two of them.
I think I grew up significantly along the way.
My mother always warned me that would happen.

I've been seeing S.O. since December.
In all that time, I haven't ever seen him mad.
Until last night.

And the anger, it was directed at me.

Looking back on it now, what i did was wrong.

I was drunk too.

Which made it worse.

I'm so miserable.

Apologies don't seem to make it better

I feel like I ruined his night.

Which is probably true.
But I honestly didn't mean too.

Amidst the drama of moving, of S.Y., of S.O., of working, and of going on vacation, I said to myself, "Hey, this would be a great time to quit smoking."

So I did.

Now, I know for some quitting smoking is a really hard thing to do. For me it wasn't hard. The times I smoked were either when I was really stressed out, or when I was drinking. If I didn't drink anything for a week, or I wasn't stressed out, then I wouldn't have a cigarette for a week.
I'm kind of strange, I think.

So quitting during this time didn't seem like that big of deal.

It wasn't, until I started coughing.
For the last three days I've coughed so much that I'm gaining a sore throat and a worried boyfriend. I woke up this morning and my entire chest hurt.
S.O. just looked worried. He's a smoker, and has been for years and years. The couple times he's quit, he hasn't gone through what I'm going through.

I'm not sure what's going on either.
I kind of wish 8 months ago I hadn't picked up the habit of drinking and smoking.

It was a really dumb move on my part.

L'Amour est un oiseau rebelle
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser.

Grocery shopping with him...
I find him attractive…
When he carefully pours over what to buy,
Feel I’m getting too caught up…
In a make believe life.
Quickly move away.

Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait;
Et c'est l'autre que je préfère
Il n'a rien dit; mais il me tient.

Down the aisles I go…
Checking off my list one at a time
Try not to think about anything
Other than what’s at hand.
Feel a hand on the small of my back,
And a voice whispers softly
“Hiding from me, are we?”

L'Amour est un oiseau rebelle
L'Amour
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser
L'Amour
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle
L'Amour
S'il lui convient de refuser
L'Amour

You don’t know, or maybe you do
How much I’m hiding every day from you
I brace myself against it, and pretend it’s not there
But when it comes down to it, I know deep down
It’s already won me.

L'Amour est enfant de Bohême,
Il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!

Keep guard of yourself and don’t let me know
How perfect you can be.

Translation

Text message to S.O.: "I cannot believe we had sex with your roommate in the next room over."
Before actually closing my phone, S.O. calls.

Me: Hello? (voice filled with question because normally he never calls back in the day)

S.O.: Man, you are a trooper.

Me: Excuse me?

S.O.: I started taking off your clothes so you wouldn't die of heat stroke, and you just started ripping off all your clothes and kissing me.

Me: Are you objecting to this behavior?

S.O.: Not at all, I just really didn't think I was going to wake you let alone have sex with you.

Me: We hadn't done it in a week and it wasn't 100 degrees in your room.

S.O.: Yes, but you were drugged up on Night Quil, you had had two drinks of rum and coke (I'm a lightweight), you had only had 4 hours of sleep the night before, it was 3:30 in the morning when everyone decided to leave, and my temporary roommate was in the room next to us with all his windows open (hard to explain the windows unless you see it).

Me: Yeah, I probably wouldn't have done it had I remembered that last one.

S.O.: But you would have done it with all the rest of those things in place.

Me: Do you not remember it or something?

S.O.: Oh I remember, I'm just shocked I have such a crazy girlfriend.

Me: You'd do the same thing if the tables were turned.

S.O.: Yes but I'm a guy... (pause) Wait, is this why I.D. calls you "The world's hottest drag queen?"

Never had sex with either S.Y. or I.D., S.O. knows that, but that was still a hilarious comment on his part.

“Talking between men and women never solves anything. Where we think, they feel. They are creatures of the heart.” –Anthony Quinn, A Walk in the Clouds

I so agree with this statement, and at the same time, I've found that using my head might more sense in the long run.

Last Night Part One:

S.Y. tried very hard to be sweet to me. He offered to buy dinner, spend time with me, and watch a movie with me… all those qualities you look for in someone else. I sat wary through every attempt. In my years, I’ve learnt only to trust when it’s needed, and to be wary the rest of the time. This time, I decided wary was the safest bet.
Through most of the night, I just thought about what I wanted.

At the end of the movie we watched, I asked S.Y. to come outside with me.
We sat on the front porch, drinking a beer and melting in the heat.

Over the last seven years I knew him, I watched him in relationships, out of relationships, I watched him pine after me, and ignore me. I’ve felt how nice it was when he was sweet to me, and how horrible it was for him to be an asshole to me. I thought, “All those things make a relationship.”
Something was always missing from us. Something didn’t make the whole nine yards, just 8.5 yards. Close, but not close enough.
I had been thinking all this time, “What do I do wrong?”
While I sat on that porch, I thought, “Maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s him.”
And like a light bulb, I had a possible answer.

I turned to him, looked him straight in the eye and said, “You like the chase.”
Taken aback and confused, S.Y. said, “What are you talking about?”
“You are a female fisherman. You throw out your line, catch something, reel it in, and right before it dies from lack of oxygen, you throw it back.” I said.
“I don’t like to think of myself as a killer, so I always throw them back.” He joked.
“How true to form” I say.
At this he became serious, and stopped smiling. He sits and thinks, after a moment he takes a long drag off of his cigarette, a gulp of beer, and says, “You might be right, I meant what I said the other night, I hope you realize that, but yes, I do like the chase and more often than not, I find myself instantly bored once I have what I’m chasing after.”

I felt like I had just solved the mystery behind Stonehenge.

Last Night Part Two:

S.O. didn’t answer his phone when I called him. I remembered when we first started dating this made me really upset. I thought he didn’t care. Silly woman.
I knew he had a paper to write and after seven months with him, I knew he probably couldn’t find his phone even if it was off of “silent.”
He had answered on the first ring earlier that day, and told me it was ok to stop by whenever.
It was still whenever, even if it was 11:30.
I knocked on the door, and I could hear S.O.’s new roommate blab on and on about some time long ago when nothing that matters now, mattered.
I grinned to myself. S.O. must be so frustrated right now.
I knocked again, harder this time.
S.O. practically ran to the door. I grinned some more.
I came inside his apartment and what greeted me wiped the grin off my face.
His new roommate was a pig.
Not only that, there were MOUNDS of papers everywhere from his research for the paper he was writing.
On top of all that, it looked as if S.O. hadn’t had a clean piece of laundry in a month and all of it was dumped on the floor.
I hadn’t been in his apartment for a week.
At my arrival, the roommate left and went to his room.
S.O. actually hugged me and silently mouthed the words “Thank you.”
I laughed and told him that I’d only stay a minute and he wanted too he could go back to work while I was there.
He told me all concentration was gone, and that I might as well stay for the night.
So I settled down with him on his bed to talk about the week that was now gone.
Half way through it, S.O. mentioned he could go for breakfast.
Pancakes at Midnight
So at 12 we left his apartment to go out for breakfast.
After getting there, I spilled everything that had happened with S.Y.
I knew he wouldn’t get angry or mad.
I was right.
Looking amused he said, “I have a feeling something like this has happened before.”
“It has, with both S.Y. and I.D., how did you know?” I said.
“You seem to be very worn-out re-telling this whole story to me.” He said looking completely entertained.
“I hate re-runs,” I smiled and said.
“You aren’t surprised either.” He noticed.
“After knowing someone for 7 and 5 years you tend to pick up on things that they don’t even realize they are doing. (pause) Is this information overload for you?” I asked.

“If you are really asking, ‘Does this bother me?’ then no, I’m not worried about it.
If you are honestly asking the original question then you have to understand that you talk incessantly and at long intervals, if I were to have information overload it would be on those occasions, not now when you’ve told a story that only has a span of one night, and not for weeks.” He says so wryly and with a slight twinge to the corner of his mouth, just like a little boy wondering if he’ll get away with what he’s saying.

My S.O. reminds me of Cary Grant. I love Cary Grant.